It's not like I didn't know...



More disappointment abounds. And it's starting to show up in my face. I got a good look at myself this morning when I rushed on the 6 train at 8:42 am. Droopy eyelids, frown lines, forehead burrows. I don't think plastic surgery or botox could take away the idea that I've simply had it and can't deal with any more.



My job is ????? Will I be here? Will I not? This thing that resembles a relationship I'm supposed to be in is starting to resemble a convenient arrangement for someone with no clear priorities. It's also obvious to me that he is going into the bends of a depression. Depressed people can't make head nor tail of their lives. So the obvious question is, Why Is This My Problem?



Now, now, please don't start on me with all the "Oh ye of little faith" garbage. I'm not buying it this time.



Let's stick to the facts.



I am going to be 32 in less than 6 months. I have worked very hard through a fucked up family, abusive bureaucratic schools and relationships, I have tried to maintain my dignity and play by the rules. This has given me nothing.



Can I ask when I'm supposed to have some success? If I left New York (which is a real possibility in the next 5 years), would these problems go with me? Would they improve? Moderate themselves? Disappear completely?



Who in the fuck cares? I have done so much, and gotten so little back. My phone barely rings, unless it's my office calling or my mother. How many more years will I have her? Do I give up and say fuck it all to hell? Do I try to work harder? I can barely get out of bed on the weekends. And everyone around me seems to have some sort of crutch or utensil to help them up. I don't and I don't even have the sense to quit.



File under insult + injury: I recently found out that some of the more expensive gifts I've gotten for Christmas were actually re-gifted. That's that gorgeous ghetto word for "I'm too cheap to take money out of my pocket for you." If not that, they were passed around, no one wanted the item(s), and then they came to me. I actually like three of these gifts, but the rest I'd like to burn with lighter fluid. And to think I thought highly of these people? I am extremely grateful for the people that told me of such insulting travesties, though. A good friend is one who tells you the truth, not what you want (or what they think you want) to hear. I'm not putting Chapstick on to kiss someone's ass, which is precisely what they expect of me.



I am going to try to get through this holiday season in one piece. The people who make an effort, stay in my life. The ones who don't? Good luck getting in touch with me. Emails and answering machines don't count for shit.