What comes first... the Chicken? Or the Goiter?

So, it's been six years since RD took me (begrudgingly) for my thyroid biopsy. I still have not been put on any medication. Now, I have a fabulous book in my hands that not only links fibromyalgia TO the thyroid, but also the patches of skin that are itchy, cold, and sore. These patches are also popping up all over my body.

I cannot do anything but think of sleep. I fantasize about sleep. When I'll nap, where I can snooze, I'm even thinking of getting a pet psychic to communicate with Kashi and Dexter so that I can ask them what their naps are like to improve my own.

The feeling is miserable, achey, sore, and constantly there. Last night I had palpitations so sudden in my chest, I bolted out of bed at 2 am. Laying still for 1 hour would not normally result in a heart rate like that of Lance Armstrong going into training, but there it is. I also cannot get any appointments with my doctors. I am freaking out.

I. AM. FREAKING. OUT.

Virgin, the shithole, saw fit to work me until 3 in the morning. So much for early morning blood tests from last summer. Now, I'm down to my last nothings of medication and hoping to god that I can get some type of sample or someone on the phone. Two months of running around with no money for copays is also a shitty thing. Lush worked me like a frantic dog so much that I didn't even have time for any appointments. I also didn't have a Christmas, didn't have a life, and couldn't refill my prescriptions. Now I don't know if I can refill them.

This is hell. This is shit. I am chattel. This sucks. As usual.

I don't know what to do.

...the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve

"We cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace." -President Obama, Inaugural Speech. January 20, 2009

Peace takes time. Pieces are what we retrieve from the battlefields. All of us, heads, hearts, each torn and ripped a bit less now.

Tuesday night, I slept a peaceful sleep, a set of dreams not menacing nor warning me when I arose Wednesday morning. Can I feel comfortable yet? Is this going to change? How bad are things going to get? It's not over yet. I like what I see so far, but I know the selfish, the sociopathic, the narcissistic and the plain ole greedy and rotten will try something.

It's a sad thing, kiddies: for the last 9 years, all I've come to know is fear. Hesitance and caution not only rule my life, they permeate my thinking, my behavior and my expectations of people. Janis Powell, The Doubtful Killer, The Snake, and Crocky (the blessed trinity of evil at AP) in addition to the Jap Yentas from hell truly ruined my faith in any type of office situation. Not getting paid what I was worth, sometimes not being paid at all (December 1, 2006 anyone???)...oh boooy. I think I may have been permanently scarred. Topple this with Richie Perna the wimp dipshit, the head games and misogyny at Virgin, and the shit mess that is NYC's welfare...no, 'workfare' program and I can't honestly tell you I have any faith that I may be able to find a job I really like that also pays well.

If you really want to know what I've been thinking? Bartending and dog grooming. I spent half my youth in bars. Who can talk to people and make them laugh better than I? And grooming...all I need to do is learn dogs. I already know cats. I've been bathing them since I was a baby. Skills and trades are the future, not corporate America's bullshit, which is what I've become soooo sick of. Without worker protections or the total rewriting of NAFTA, GATT and all the other toxic trade laws that Clinton and Bush rammed down America's throat, we will never prevail. Or, maybe I should say "I". I refuse to think of others included with me, I think that was one of my biggest mistakes. Most people are not like me. They do not read, they do not vote, they do not care. They are sheep. Sheep, my friends, get slaughtered. Not a befitting ending for this lady right here. Not when so many actually wanted it and were taking bets as to whether I would.

It's going on two years and there's nothing out there but temp shit with no benefits. I went to college for this?

My only joy IS watching our new prez (god it feels good to write that) take out what he has with the stroke of his magic and intelligent pen.

37 staring me in the face and I have nothing. This is not what I envisioned. And believe me, I did have a plan.

What price freedom? How much will this cost me....

Good Riddance

Because I am so exhausted at having to rage and sneer after these long eight years, I find no words to truly express my hatred for this lie we called the 43rd president now leaving office. So, I will borrow a lovely piece by a lovely writer named Chris Rowthorn.

This appeared on the political blogs yesterday morning. I say ENOUGH!

George W. Bush, on January 15, 2009, you stood before the American people and said that there is a battle being waged between "a small band of fanatics [that] demands total obedience to an oppressive ideology" and "[an]other system [that] is based on the conviction that freedom is the universal gift of Almighty God and that liberty and justice light the path to peace."

Make no mistake, Mr. Bush, you belong to that small band of fanatics. That band of fanatics has been terrorizing people since the beginning of recorded history and probably well before. You are only the latest incarnation of an evil and timeless beast that has worn the faces of Adolph Hitler, Benito Mussolini and Tojo Hideki. Let us not mince words, Mr. Bush, what you did to this country is exactly what those men did to theirs: you stole power by filthy means, you committed the nation to disastrous wars, and left your country in ruin. If this was your goal, then you can pronounce a hearty "Mission Accomplished."

Mr. Bush, you have indeed left this country in ruins. In the course of our history, we have faced many determined and terrible enemies, from King George to Adolph Hitler, but none have done what you did: you have brought this country to its knees. When you think of your legacy, you can be sure of only one thing: future historians will point to your presidency as a turning point in the nation's history - the start of a long and perhaps irreversible decline in our fortunes and our prestige.

You, Mr. Bush, are the result of a tragic accident: the apocalyptic convergence of absolute power with the complete absence of virtue. You are the scion of a family that has long used political power for personal gain. Your people are parasites clinging to the jugular of the nation. You used your father's connections at every step of your career: to get into school, to start businesses, to escape from service in Vietnam, to become governor of Texas, and to become a candidate for the presidency of the United States. As a child you tortured small animals, as a Yale student you engaged in sadistic initiation rites in your fraternity, as governor of Texas you executed 152 people. You had blood on your hands when you took office, Mr. Bush, and you have added oceans of blood during these eight long years.

In your speech, you said, "I have been blessed to represent this nation." Mr. Bush, you never represented this nation. You represented only a small group of criminals who used the apparatus of government to channel money - our money - into their pockets. You and your henchmen looted the Treasury of the United States. You ran up debts that we, our children and our grandchildren will have to pay off. You used the entire Middle East as a money laundering operation for corporations like Halliburton, Bechtel and the Carlyle Group. You sent our tax dollars via Iraq and Afghanistan to bank accounts in Houston and Zurich. Make no mistake, you did not represent the people of the United States: you represented a group of gangsters, criminals and fascists. You robbed this country blind and called it government.

In your speech the other night, Mr. Bush, you reminded us that, "I vowed to do everything in my power to keep us safe." On this score, you failed miserably and thousands of Americans are dead because of your failure. One of your first acts as president was to eliminate the cabinet-level position of Director of Counterterrorism and discontinue the Clinton administration's policy of pursuing Al Qaeda and other terrorist organizations. That's right: you stopped chasing the terrorists who threatened this country. And when your top aides warned you about impending terrorist attacks on American soil, you ignored them.

On September 11, 2001, planes crashed into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and into a field in Pennsylvania. Over 3,000 innocent Americans were sacrificed on that day. In a debate with Al Gore in 2000, you boasted that you would respond to any crisis this nation faces with "leadership," but on September 11, 2001, you climbed aboard Air Force One and ran like a frightened rabbit. Then, when the smoke cleared, you did everything in your power to prevent a thorough investigation into the causes of the tragedy and your complete and utter failure to prevent it.

Mr. Bush, in your speech the other night, you claimed that, "As the years passed, most Americans were able to return to life much as it had been before 911." In a speech rife with shameless lies, this was perhaps the most shameless, because you used the attack on our country as a pretext to pervert our nation, trample our Constitution and murder thousands of innocents across the Middle East.

First, you attacked Afghanistan, where you claimed the mastermind of the terror attacks was hiding. You failed to capture him, but he was not the real prize; the real prize was the oil hiding under the sands of Iraq. Despite massive evidence to the contrary - from our own intelligence services and those of our closest allies - you claimed that Iraq was behind 911 and that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. You knew that most Americans were too traumatized by the attacks of 911 to tell the difference between truth and lies.

Mr. Bush, you ordered the invasion of Iraq and, in doing so, you killed over 100,000 innocent Iraqis. You built prisons and ordered the vilest acts of torture. You allowed the treasures of an ancient civilization to be looted and destroyed. You destabilized the entire Middle East and sowed the seeds of hatred of our country that will bear the fruit of murder and destruction for generations to come.

Mr. Bush, you claimed that, "around the world, America is promoting human liberty, human rights, and human dignity." But we have the pictures from Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay. We know what you did. Those pictures will not go away. You put that man on the box and strapped the electrodes to his fingers. You let the dogs loose on those prisoners. You left those men out kneeling in the sun. You did that, Mr. Bush.

Mr. Bush, over 4000 young American men and women are dead because of you. You sent them to die in Iraq. Tens of thousands more are hideously maimed. They died in the service of your lies. They died because you wanted to make a small group of obscenely wealthy individuals even more obscenely wealthy.

Mr. Bush, this nation was once a model of democracy. This is the nation that defeated fascism in Europe and Asia. This nation put men on the moon. This nation was the hope of all nations aspiring to democracy, freedom and prosperity. But you have soiled the reputation of the United States of America. You have put blood on our name.

Mr. Bush, the soul of our nation is the Constitution. It is a sacred document, for it enshrines the fundamental principles of democracy. It represents the right of the people to rule their own affairs, instead of being ruled by kings. You violated both the spirit and the letter of the Constitution. You made a mockery of the Bill of Rights. You invaded the privacy of citizens. You imprisoned Americans without recourse to lawyers or a fair hearing in a court of law. You declared yourself a "unitary executive," beyond the power of the Constitution, Congress, the Courts and the will of the people. You declared yourself a king like the kings of England our forefathers fought and died against to give us our precious freedom.

Mr. Bush, you not only desecrated our name and our sacred documents, you tore this nation apart. You divided this nation between red and blue, Republican and Democrat, north and south, east and west. You cast those who disagreed with you as unpatriotic. You set this nation at war with itself. Under you, there was only suspicion, discord and hate.

In your speech, Mr. Bush, said, "we took decisive measures to safeguard our economy." No, Mr. Bush, you took decisive measure to bring this country to the verge of a Second Great Depression. When you entered office, this nation was enjoying a $200 billion annual government surplus. But you slashed taxes on corporations and wealthy individuals, committed the military to two ruinously expensive invasions, exploded the Pentagon budget, and eliminated oversight of government spending. Now, as you leave office, the United States is facing a yearly budget deficit of $1 trillion. And this is just the yearly total; in your two terms of office, you doubled our total national debt, bringing it to $10 trillion.

In your speech, Mr. Bush, you said, "For eight years, we have also strived to expand opportunity and hope here at home." No, Mr. Bush, you have presided over the worst economic disaster since the 1930s. On your watch, millions of people have lost their jobs, their homes and their retirement savings. Under you, the stock market has crashed, banks have failed, and the entire American automobile industry is on the brink of collapse. Make no mistake, Mr. Bush, because of you, Americans of all ages and economic classes are significantly poorer. Millions now face hunger, homelessness and an uncertain future. And you did this so that you could transfer the wealth of this nation into the hands of your criminal cronies.

Mr. Bush, the damage you did will hurt this nation for generations to come. We may never again enjoy the prestige or power that we enjoyed in the year 2000. You trashed the NATO alliance and mocked our oldest allies as "Old Europe". You squandered our blood and treasure in the Middle East, while nations like China and Russia were building their own wealth and power. On your watch, North Korea developed nuclear weapons. On your watch, a Pakistani scientist sold nuclear technology to all of our enemies. On your watch, you increased the chance of terrorists acquiring and using a nuclear bomb. That's right, Mr. Bush, if we see the mushroom cloud that you and Condoleezza Rice spoke of, it will probably be a direct result of your actions and your negligence.

Mr. Bush, you mentioned Thomas Jefferson in your speech the other night. There is one thing you can be absolutely sure of: if the Founding Fathers had met you, they would revile you as a base cur, for you represent everything they fought against. You were able to seize power only because of the weaknesses inherent in their design. In truth, you represent the repudiation of American Democracy, for America started as a revolt against taxation without representation, and under your government the masses were taxed but only the kings of arms manufacture and oil extraction were represented.

Mr. Bush, you may try to convince yourself and the world otherwise, but we know who you really are: you are a door through which evil enters the world. You are a tool for forces that you don't even understand. You are the crack along which the jewel shatters. Behind you, lies a wake of death and destruction. Your natural language is the lie. You cannot but open your mouth and falsehoods fly out. You are hate made manifest. You came as a curse upon this great land. You are the revenge of the Indian, the napalm-burned children of Vietnam, the murdered nuns of Guatemala and the martyrs of El Salvador. You are the karma of these United States.

Know this, George W Bush: The corporate media may try to whitewash your crimes. The next president and his allies in Congress may fail to prosecute you. Your family and friends may still treat you like a human being. Your power and wealth may insulate you from your victims. But there are hundreds of millions of people - Americans and non-Americans alike - who know who you are and what you did. We saw every one of your crimes and heard every one of your lies. We will never forgive you. And we will never forget.
_______


About author
Chris Rowthorn is an American journalist based in Kyoto, Japan. He has written for the Japan Times and Kansai Time Out.


Tomorrow, my take on what will be a playful, wonderful day.

A List of Me

Since I am always going on about general events (and have passed the five year mark for this blog), here's some specifics about me you might not have known. I also realize I have some new readers to this blog. Here's a nice hybrid of James Lipton's questionnaire from the Actor's Studio.

What turns me on?
Creativity

What turns me off?
Narcissism, materialism

My favorite curseword: Miserable misbegotten motherfucker (thanks dad, more of a phrase really...)

If I could be anything other than my current (horrific) profession, what would I be?
Choreographer for both ice and stage

Least favorite Christmas carol: Silver Bells

Worst color combo: Candy pink and Acid Green, Red and brown

Something Completely Addictive: kittens

Secret Dream of Glory: Winning the Iditarod Dog Race

A Year I Would Kill to Live Again: 1987

Spirit Animal: Cat (jungle, not the house variety) & Polar Bear

Movies I'd Leave on Eternally: Mean Girls, V for Vendetta, Matrix Reloaded, Better Off Dead, Goodfellas

Songs for a Desert Island:
Slave to Love by Bryan Ferry
Get Here by Oleta Adams
Shake it Off by Mariah
Birthday by the Sugarcubes
A Sort of Homecoming by U2
Biscuit by Portishead
Love, Love, Love by Donny Hathaway
Autumn in New York by Billie Holiday
Pink Cashmere by Prince
Sara by Fleetwood Mac

Favorite Music in General:
Metal: Among the Living by Anthrax
Rock: Physical Graffiti by Led Zeppelin, Who's Next by The Who
Gospel: Believe by Yolanda Adams
R&B: Extension of a Man by Donny Hathaway
Soul: Al Green anything, James Brown anthology, D'angelo Voodoo
Rap: Paid in Full by Erik B. & Rakim
Classical: Tchaikovsky's Symphony #5, Bach's Adagio in C Minor, Chopin's Fantasie Impromptu
Country: Johnny Cash. PERIOD.
Pop: Mariah from Music Box and everything after, Christina Aguilera (thanks, JWe!), Terence Trent D'Arby
Hip Hop Persona: Tupac and the posthumous remixes
Holiday: Mariah, Charlie Brown Christmas, Nutcracker (conducted by Valery Gergiev)

Most Romantic Couple Ever: Billy Martin & George Steinbrenner

Best Fight in a Club: Axl Rose & Tommy Hilfiger

Best Fight on a Streetcorner: Mike Tyson & Mitch Green

Best Fight in a Ring: Muhammed Ali killed 'em all, didn't he?

Worst Ethnic Joke: Leslie Urzua (Kjou just spit coffee out!)

Fragrance sent from Heaven: Snowdrop by Elariia, Sweet Honesty by Avon, Dreaming by Tommy Hilfiger

Favorite Scent: Warm wafts from a laundromat dryer

Most Useful Invention: ballpoint pens

Most Useless Invention: Universal remotes (they always break!)

Best Boyfriend Ever: Chris J. Ferrand

Cat I Miss the Most: Miss Muffins (1989-2006)

Favorite Artist: Degas, Toller Cranston (he paints, too!), Rembrandt

Heroes: Gelsey Kirkland, Johnny Weir, Stephen King

Object of Desire: Toller's broken-leg spiral

Saddest Moment: 9/11. That day in June when they found my father's body and called me

What is Your Legacy? Cats, music, ballet, skating, food & my whacked sense of humor

Love of My Life: New York City & Dexter

=^..^=

:-)

Why Not?

And with these words, a possibility was formed. Yes, Biz, here's your official thanks! These were the words that I saw on my resume when I filled out my initial paperwork. That paperwork is now useless since Lush fired ALL of us Saturday. I went in to get my final hours yesterday. Hey, money's money. I'm not going to bitch. I also love the fact that between inventory & last night? I got a lot of good stuff in my bathroom right now. I almost didn't want to leave. It's so nice to meet a bunch of ragtag hellions who don't conform and don't want to. It's validation for the last five shitty years of my life. You're all young and full of pixie power. Most were born in 1987 or 88, two of the most memorable years of my life. 1987 is sacred to me and anyone/anything born of it. So, I will continue my mantra of "True spirits find each other." It's the message, not the package it comes in. And to think I was starting to feel old. I was always the baby, but life reverses eventually. So, I'm out of a job that I really dug, but don't worry kiddies, Barnes & Noble snapped me up this morning.

I'm very sorry to be leaving you guys. And Miss Maroon: if I knew I was getting the boot, I would have said goodbye properly on Saturday! You looked so sad, I wanted to hug you. The Control Freak (She Who Will Not be Named) and Jen came out to say how sorry they were, but I always survive. You will, too! They are stuck on the little things. These are piddling stupid comments and general sorority school bullshit. Don't go back to smoking to relieve the stress. Meditate, stretch, smile and curse them under your breath and in your mind. It's always the most gifted that get hit the hardest in this life. Grab a Magic bath bomb and cleanse your aura. If that doesn't work? A cup of sea salt, two tbsps of Florida water, and half an ounce of powdered frankincense in the tub will do it.

And then, the most wonderful thing today: I decide to go to Enchantments, which moved down the block. Three glorious chubby black cats swirled around my ankles while I discussed the new store locale (since Halloween, how fitting!) as I found out the witch who started it all for me, Joe, has since moved to Georgia. That made me sad, but change is necessary.

Then, I go up St. Mark's Place. And I find a store worthy of the OLD St. Mark's Place: The Iron Fairies. There's only two: one in Perth, one in New York. Totally witchy. Totally fun. Candles, soap, and iron. All forged by earth, water, and fire. Katie, the store girl, starts talking to me. I tell her about Enchantments, I tell her about Lush. I also tell her I was trying to find an iron key for a prosperity spell I need to do. She walks over to the corner and picks a key (iron, of course) for me. I wouldn't dream of asking, but there it was! Iron is the most powerful protective metal on the face of the earth. It strengthens, fortifies, and repels negativity. It's very auspicious when given at random, either found or handed over. Unbelievable.

So, that was my fabulous day. But I will miss my Lush discount. If there's a rehire thingie going on, ya better call me, Biz! I would come back in a split second, warts and all.

B&N orientation tomorrow! Yippee skippee...