Get Yer Galoshes Out

The roving band of potential drunks is ready and waiting. Yes, I'm talking about the farce that St. Patrick's Day has become. Hordes...no....SCORES....FATHOMS...of people are descending on 5th Avenue today in the slush and snow in an excuse to get drunk, pick fights, vomit profusely on trains, and paint little shamrocks on their faces (I just don't get that.)



Never mind that St. Patrick actually brought Christianity into Ireland at a time of absolute brutality--if you looked outside the window, you'd think it was just cops in kilts standing around waiting to play bagpipes (the Banshee Instrument, as I call it.) Never mind that he incorporated pagan elements into the rituals so that a little familiarity could mask the deeper ideas of peace and compassion, it's about green bagels and beer. What a joke!



Never mind that in a time of near-total illiteracy, he stepped in to teach the word of God and have monks preserve and transfer the great Roman and Latin texts into huge tomes, thereby saving written history, and subsequently planting the first seeds of Irish culture: the love and respect for the written word, and the history that it implies. It's about hot chicks in Budweiser ads wearing kelly green bikinis enticing you to "party" at the local bar.



We have, in the U.S., the NAACP, the Anti-Defamation League, and Italian-American Alliance to stand tall and step in when they feel "discrimination" and "image-tarnishing" hurting their respective nationalities. What do the Irish have? Ted Kennedy, Guinness, and maybe Denis Leary when he's in a good mood. We get "drunks-with-red-noses" jokes, shamrock cut-outs in windows, and low-brow leprechaun humor. It's insulting, people. KNOCK IT OFF! Overweight people and Catholics (many Catholics are Irish) are still the #1 targets for comedians, snide comments, and cruel humor, if you can call it that. Since I am both fat and Catholic (just TRY and take my Krispy Kremes away, I dare you), I find this particularly amusing that no one rises up and simply says "FUCK OFF, EVERYONE!" I do, but that's just my way.



Let me speak for all of us: We are more than red hair, freckles, and sunburns in July! We are NOT all alcoholics! We laugh at you when you kiss the Blarney stone, because a dog has most likely just PEED on it! We are NOT all hot-tempered, bar-brawling animals ready to throw a punch after one beer! We are not soccer hooligans (although the English very well may be) roving the land, ready to jump on people during the World Cup! We do NOT believe Michael Flatley represents step-dancing in its true form by the overwrought garbage that is Riverdance! We are NOT all Smiths and McDonalds (and I don't mean Big Macs and fries!) We despise hearing Enya when we go to a beauty salon! Who the hell decided she was the voice of facial steaming and moisturizer??? I'd like to have their heads on a stick.



We are a passionate, romantic bunch who loves to read and enjoys Waterford crystal. Did you know some of the finest wool is imported from Ireland? We invented sarcasm (Oscar Wilde) and defiance (Michael Collins.) There is more to our cuisine that just corned beef, potatoes, and cabbage. Get yer asses to a library and read How The Irish Saved Civilization. It'll knock you over. Get a newspaper and start reading Pete Hamill and Dennis Hamill (no relation.) Go to the theater and see some plays--NOT musicals! Many of the great playwrights are Irish (it's that 'word' thing again.) Look at the history of the land, visit some beautiful pubs---many are in right here in Queens, and have full name "maps" citing just how and where surnames evolved and where they are populated in the Emerald Isle. Do an internet search for family clans, crests, and conquests. The Druids weren't just a bunch of tree-lovers, you know.



We are conviction, myth, beauty, sadness and truth. Curls, green eyes, mystery, and laughter. The pinkness of pale skin and real cashmere in winter. A quick laugh, a great novel, a biting remark. 400 years of war, famine, alliances, neglect, and anger wed itself into an incredibly sharp culture. We may appear wan and gentle. This is evolution's clever mask for what really lies underneath. (Challenge us in an argument and see what I mean.)



And this, is what I'd like you all to think about the next time you pass a bar, see a cop, or walk by a church. We are much more than the sum of our parts, and way beyond stereotypes. Perhaps such humor is easier since we're so difficult to easily categorize. We are multi-faceted, very much like that crystal I mentioned above.



NOW you may grab a Guinness, wear a bulky sweater ('jumpers' as they say over there), have bangers and mash for lunch, and find out who Loreena McKinnett is.



Play nice, and be well, kiddies.



(and wear something green .)