I Am Irreplaceable

Courtesy of KJou. No one can do what I did. No one. Goddess forbid I get a phone call from these twits? I'm going to curse these bastards out. Here's a modified forward of my job description, or at least what they're trying to turn it into. Note my colorful commentary. For those of you reading this at the AP? Feel free to spread amongst your friends. All names have been changed so I won't get sued. You might know who I'm mentioning, but that doesn't mean I'm getting myself nailed. HA!

Read on for my commentary. Of course, it's all colorful as I am. And I'm only worth $400? What a disgrace.

Begin forwarded message:

Dey luukking four anuthur yew!!!! (writing courtesy of our love of "Pearls Before Swine". The crocodiles speak and spell like Pinochet.)


Thanks,
KJou
-----Original Message-----
Sent: Monday, March 12, 2007 9:06 PM
Subject: New Job Posting - Description No. (25)83

POSTING DATE: 3/12/2007 ( expires 3/26/2007 )

POSITION: Administrative Assistant

LOCATION: New York City, New York

STATUS: Administrative

INCUMBENT: (ME)***Insert my name here*** has left the company.---BACK IN DECEMBER YOU CRETINS.

JOB REFERRAL AWARD: $400--how insulting

REPORTS TO: THE DOUBTFUL KILLER (private joke to Kjou)

ELIGIBLE FOR RELOCATION ASSISTANCE: No

DUTIES: This administrative assistant will provide a wide variety of
administrative support services to a department that serves AP's
newspaper members. Emphasis on marketing, financial projections,
customer databases and requests for information. Provides assistance to
the Vice President's direct reports as assigned, and collaborates with
departments throughout the AP. This person will answer questions from
newspapers and determine how to resolve issues. --translation: shoveling dogshit on a daily basis with no overtime, no yearly review, no 'good morning' or 'good night', and generally being ignored after five and half years of roughly a 2% raise.

JOB QUALIFICATIONS: To be considered, you must be detail-oriented,
well-organized and adept at problem solving. I WAS ALL OF THESE THINGS, BUT I DIDN'T KISS ENOUGH ASS.
You should be able to work both independently and with others, and work effectively in a fast-paced environment with all levels of management and clients, following guidelines and procedures.--DO WHAT I SAY, NOT WHAT I DO. ALSO, YOU MUST LOOK GOOD IN A TIGHT SKIRT.

Excellent customer relations skills are necessary to answer questionsfrom newspapers and determine how to resolve issues. Knowledge of or interest in the newspaper industry is a plus--GRANDFATHER, FATHER, AND COUSIN JACK FRANKLIN (THAT WOULD BE JFK LITERALLY) WHO WAS PREZ OF GRAPHICS LOCAL 2 UNION FROM 1979-1991 WOULD QUALIFY ME.

-Excellent computer skills. Solid knowledge of MS Office applications including Word, Excel and PowerPoint a must, as well as knowledge of Explorer, search engines and online navigation--I HAVE A MAC AT HOME, I'M PRETTY DAMN GOOD AT THIS.
-Must be able to create, manipulate and analyze complex spreadsheets---THIS WAS ADDED SINCE THE COBS (Chiefs of Bureaus) DON'T WANT TO DO IT, IT USED TO BE THEIR JOBS, NOT MINE;
-utilize Outlook to create-folders and distribution lists--THIS USED TO BE STRICTLY AN I.T. FUNCTION, I WAS NEVER GIVEN PERMISSION WHEN I ASKED 8 TIMES, 5 OF WHICH CAME FROM THE WEASEL AND THE KISS-ASS MONKEY HIMSELF, WHO IGNORED ME.
-produce presentations using PowerPoint.THIS WAS CROCKY'S JOB, BUT NOW SHE ONLY SPEAKS JAMACODILE.
-Knowledge of SAP CRM preferred. Familiarity with databases required. --I KNOW PEOPLESOFT AND SALESFORCE.COM. NO ONE WANTED TO USE IT. IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE AND OLD WHITE MEN NEED TO PLAY GOLF, SEND THEIR KIDS TO BIG TEN SCHOOLS AND LIVE IN SPLIT-LEVEL CONDOS IN CONNECTICUT.

Other qualifications include:
-Effective written and verbal communication--HAD THAT, EVEN THOUGH MY EMAILS WERE OFTEN IGNORED OR DELETED.
-organizational and interpersonal skills a must. Ability to deal professionally and constructively with vendors, members and staff at all levels.
-Must be a self-starter, able to work with minimal supervision to initiate and complete tasks --IF MY WORK LOAD WASN'T TRIPLED AND MY SALARY DOUBLED, I MIGHT HAVE GIVEN A RAT'S ASS.
-Must be able to deal constructively with vendors and staff on all levels.--DID. I WAS GENERALLY LIKED AND RELIED UPON BY MOST OF THE COBS. THEY EXPRESSED SHOCK AND SORROW WHEN I LEFT. WHEN THE SHIT HIT THE FAN, I HAD TO CLEAN UP WHAT WASN'T DISTRIBUTED EVENLY. I HAD TO PROVIDE MY OWN GLOVES AND PURELL WHEN MY HANDS GOT PARTICULARLY DIRTY FROM SHOVELING HORSESHIT PAST SIX O'CLOCK AT NIGHT AND ON WEEKENDS UNPAID AND UNTHANKED.

Must be organized and able to manage multiple tasks with conflicting priorities.--SUCH AS SLUTS WHO DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH AND TALK DOWN TO ME WHEN I KNOW MORE ABOUT NEWSPAPERS SINCE IT'S IN MY BLOOD AND MY FAMILY. I'M FUCKING IRISH, WE INVENTED AND SAVED THE WRITTEN WORD. PRETTY FADES, DUMB IS FOREVER, BUT STUPID IS PERMANENT.

Must present a professional image.--IF I WAS PAID MORE THAN $33,000 AFTER TAXES, I MIGHT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SHOP MORE FOR CLOTHES AND NOT SPEND ALL OF IT ON RENT, TRANSPORTATION, AND BILLS. ALSO NO SIZE 16's ALLOWED. 20 YEAR-OLD ANOREXICS WITH SHRUNKEN-VIOLET MOUSE PERSONALITIES WILL BE GIVEN FIRST CONSIDERATION. FAKE BOOBS AND RESTYLANE LIP INJECTIONS A PLUS. IF YOUR IQ IS LOW, WE WILL WATER YOU WITH THE WEEKLY PLANTS AFTER EACH BATHROOM TRIP.

Type 60 words per minute.--I TYPE 70-85, WAS TESTED. I ALSO SPEAK FLUENT ENGLISH AND SPELL CHECK MY OWN NAME WHEN SENDING OUT IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS. DUHHHH!!!!!

3+ years of experience as an administrative assistant or similar job.--THEY WANT AN OBEDIENT MOUSE WHO WILL OBEY NO MATTER WHAT. IF YOU HAVE NO PERSONALITY, EVEN BETTER.

Some college is preferred.--THIS POSITION WAS ONLY OFFERED BY THE PREVIOUS MANAGEMENT TO SOMEONE WHO POSSESSED A JOURNALISM OR ENGLISH BACHELOR'S DEGREE, OR COMMUNICATIONS AS A MAJOR WITH 26 COMPLETED CREDITS. I HAD TO SHOW THEM MY BACHELOR'S DEGREE AND TRANSCRIPT DURING MY BACKGROUND CHECK TO GET THIS JOB.

HOW TO APPLY: Please apply through our quick, easy-to-use interactive
job posting database.--By talking to the ugly version of Eva Longoria.

On Lotus Notes:--NO ONE USES LOTUS NOTES, IT'S A DINOSAUR. THIS PLACE WON'T GET VISTA UNTIL 2015, I'LL BET $20 ON IT.

Please provide a copy of your application to your manager.--IF THEY'RE NOT QUITTING TOO. BETTER GO QUICK! IF YOU'RE NOT A RAT JUMPING OFF THE TITANIC NOW, YOU MIGHT MISS OUT ON YOUR PIECE OF CHEESE!!!

The Associated Press is an Affirmative Action/Equal Opportunity
Employer. --PARTICULARLY IF YOU'RE NOT WHITE, BILINGUAL AND SHOW OFF YOUR BIKINI WAX WHILE WALKING UP THE STAIRS AND FORGET YOUR UNDERWEAR. ILLEGIMATE CHILDREN AND FLAUNTING YOUR PERSONAL LIFE AND HAVING NO KNOWLEDGE OF USA GEOGRAPY GETS YOU EXTRA POINTS.

REMEMBER, KIDDIES! DETROIT IS IN OHIO, POUGHKEEPSIE IS IN HAWAII, AND CHICAGO IS IN INDIANA.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T WORK THERE ANYMORE. I HAVE A BRAIN IN MY HEAD.

SPECIAL THANKS TO KJOU FOR SENDING THIS TO ME. ONE LAST QUESTION: WHAT'S THE STARTING SALARY ON THIS? $28K? A DISGRACE.

Wick Temple is turning over in his grave. Over and over and over....Tom Curley should be shot in the head. No, better--right in the face. Useless narcissist bastard. He's ruined a good company once and for all and I hope Dean Singleton kicks his ass right out the door. With steel-toed Doc Martens.