A Turn of Heart

Well, I'm still unemployed and probably will remain that way until 2008, but I'm not afraid. I realize that maybe I needed this time off to rest, relax and deal with my physical and mental pain. My fibromyalgia has improved, and something strange has started to happen: tears have come back into my life. With so much numbness and anger, I couldn't get past the one thing I didn't feel, which was the sensitivity that marked my childhood and adolescent years.

People have noticed something lately in my face, my walk. I'm not so vain to call it a glow, but I am no longer raging and throwing things. The tension and scowl is gone. Perhaps this was a symptom of my depression. I've learned it is not always glum and lazy, it can be frenetic thoughts, panic attacks, screaming matches over nothing and lashing out. Underneath all the storms since 2003, I see now how I did not recognize the sadness that overtook me. It's coming out. I am closer to being a human being more than I've ever known. What a perfect time for this to materialize: the holidays, which I love. I have achieved grace and humility by realizing that I did not fall into schemes and the manipulations of others, it was this very thing I fought against violently, hence the anger.

I recently watched "V for Vendetta" again and began to wail when Evie was taken from the torture room by V. She said she'd rather die behind the chemical sheds by firing squad than give up a vein of truth that could kill someone else. (A girl after my own heart indeed.)

The cloaked man replied, "Then you have no fear. You are completely free."

Evie makes her way into the hall and realizes it was an illusion to unlock her deepest emotions to face the loss of her parents, the fear and disgust she'd lived with her entire life in a society designed on mind control, fear, the haves and the have-nots. She attacks V and accuses him of vile deeds, but V explains that he, too, had to make this difficult trip in order to break through.

As she collapses in a fit of tears, V tells her that hate was the thing he lived, breathed and what consumed him. "I thought I would die with all that hate in my veins." Well, V? I came damn close. And it nearly killed me. From the stupidity of others.

I bought into their schemes, their lies. At my own expense. I wanted a better salary when really, I should have been looking towards trying to become a better person. No one is making any money in this economy. What the fuck makes me so special? It's hard for me to admit that my spiritual approach to life was almost canceled out by my obsessive quest for the almighty paycheck. My god, I almost became like them.

A three hour convo with KJou this past weekend netted me some more info on Associated Mess's latest quittings. I was particularly tickled to learn that Pinochet was, and is, a COMPLETE liar. When I interviewed her in 2005, she told me she worked in an office. Turns out she managed a restaurant. A total lie (not to mention her HB-1 visa) netted her the job that Bag O'Rocks gave her. I knew she was a phony bitch, now I have proof. And no wonder she liked to boss us all around! She did that every day with her staff in a Mexican restaurant on the upper East Side. KJou also told me a certain housewife I no longer talk to is still shaken by a letter I'd written. In the guise of "friendship"--a title by attrition--I was used. I put up her Christmas tree, was put on "lawyer paper" duty, sold her piddlings for pennies on eBay (of which I did all the work and she got the money-DUMB DUMB on my part), and basically was her therapist. Unpaid, of course. KJou said, "Maybe she values the friendship." Sure. Like a cripple values his crutch?

I'm done with this person.

My talents will be utilized, not used. My intelligence will be valued, not thrown around like a ragdoll for those who neither read, vote, or care. And I will continue to look for the same in an employer. This time with values, not the lure of money. To think I almost became a whore. My god, the shame is almost unbearable.

2008 will be my year.

But for now, I will enjoy the stores, the songs, the joy of giving to those that need it and the possibility of snow.

And I'm taking Kjou to Nutcracker this weekend! A perfect pastel dream he needs since he's still for working for The Mess, as I now call it.

Ballet, skating, cats, food, music, books, candles, winter and my unadulterated Irish passion. Let this be how I am remembered. Maybe that will be my legacy--I don't give gifts, I give memories.