???

Well, 20 years ago today, I saw Anthrax in concert. Don't ask me why I remember this. 10 years ago today, I was working two jobs and trying to hold up a very strange relationship. This year? I'm sitting here wondering about The Point of It All.

Watching "Sicko" yesterday made me wonder just how bad things are going to get for me. I am in the Insomniac Circle again, anxiety bolting me out of bed to walk around my apartment, heart racing. Or, I get up like I did eight hours ago to do the dishes. I am beginning to associate the hours of 3 and 4 am with two things: sorting recycling or doing dishes. It's either dust on my hands or the scent of Palmolive suds. I am now covered by Medicaid, which is truly the ninth circle of hell. Managed care will be the death of this country and everyone in it. I know now that I am a problem to be cast aside just as much as the people in this very disturbing documentary. The rich can be healthy. The rest of us? Offal, garbage, useless sheep sent off to slaughter.

I am temporarily giving up endless hours on Monster and careerbuilder because 1) no one's scheduling interviews --believe me, I've asked; and 2) it's Christmas. I shouldn't have to be terrified and disgusted every minute of every day during a happy holiday season.

Also, I am taking a break from seeing Mother this year. She won't be coming up and I won't be flying down. It's too expensive, and the cost of oil drove up airplane fares this year. It's a luxury and a non-reality. Plus, another year of her re-arranging my apartment behind my back and I truly will have a psychotic break. (I'm about a month away from that now.)

In deference to my allergies and my ever-aching back, I am having no tree this year. I had no tree in 1999 and 2000 due to 2E, the smallest dump I ever lived in, and I'm taking a time-out-tree-break this year as well. I will decorate my windows and door. That's always been fun. I'm not sure about sending out cards since I didn't find any I liked. I even searched the 99 cent stores and saw nothing. Feh.

If 2007 is any indication of how the universe works, then what comes down must go back up. I've watched massive freak-outs from celebrities: deaths, drug overdoses, crashed SUVs, jail time, break-ups, separations, ignored newborns, gossip, crap, and reputations on the line. It's a fine time for exile if ever I saw it.

There is also the realization that I probably won't see the salary I deserve. I am one of millions. Corporate America is on its way to becoming the biggest Fascist Front since Mussolini and Hitler positioned themselves as evil threats. I am letting go of the fantasy that I will ever become a homeowner or have anything worthy to my name. My family did not come from wealth and I won't inherit anything. I have my own debt to care of, which will most likely climb exponentially when the new credit rates go into effect next month. When the economy crashes, Hillary or Obama will have to take care of it. Communist China, whose Olympics I will be boycotting, will soon own us. I see No Exit in front of me. I have resigned myself to just this: LOSS.

My fight is dying. I am tired of carrying around disappointment, anger, and bewilderment. I'm going to put on my headphones and play Christmas carols while walking through my neighborhood, looking at decorated houses. Perhaps Frosty and Rudolph can cheer me up.

I don't know what else will.