I swear to God, this fat, useless CCP is the worst thing my mother could have ever brought down upon me in my life. Now I am getting lectures about the CCP and her lack of understanding. CCP went thru 12 years of this blog (although not much content after 2009) and has interpreted certain inserts, comments and cries of physical pain to mean that I am going to kill myself. Since CCP, too, is so ignorant (gotta love our crappy public school system PLUS her mental illness). I am in no way going to kill myself and was writing from a place of pain, something CCPs don't understand. NUANCE. Look it up. Jeb Bush doesn't get it either. CCPs are not smart enough. It's also the bipolar: they see things only in black and white, not from a gray area, a spot in life that I have lived repeatedly.
The way I am going to analyze this: Black or White. If I am going to kill myself, that would mean that CCP would be able to weasel their way back into my mom's good graces, and she's always been easy to manipulate. I am NOT, and CCP hates me for this. I do not, nor did I ever, want to get close to this person. She is useless, simple, basic and very "middle school" in her immaturity. I cling to culture (dance, art, figure skating, photography), while she clings to her fervent fantasy of wanting to be Mariah Carey. Immense waste of a good voice, if you ask me. Nothing breaks my heart that seeing someone for whom autotune is not needed, but they are afraid of success. I have tried to succeed in so many ways, but keep getting knocked down. I ask, beg, send emails to people, artists, various HR depts, and nothing. I get auto-filled email responses or typed letters of "Good luck in your search", "We cannot help you at this time", or "You'll find something." I NEED FUCKING HELP TO DO THAT, I'M SURROUNDED BY THOSE WRAPPED UP IN THEMSELVES. WTF am I supposed to do? Oh, to have the world and chances handed to you and you get to toss them away. I am not CCPs dead sister, it's not a sibling rivalry.
Rereading some of this blog, I'm sure it's really hard for someone to just drop in, absorb it, and suspend disbelief. CCPs are not the only persons with whom I've had a twisted time of unraveling nuance, too. There is another person in Staten Island who I will no longer visit who is also bipolar, who gave me an awful look and screamed at me for being on so much medication--PCOS is not a joke! Hormones are needed to balance the cysts, or I get ovarian cancer. I came close in 2007. "I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY PILLS IN MY LIFE WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU OMG I CAN'T TAKE THIS." I calmly (and it took all my might with that blast of ANGER in my face) told her this is my life now and then I asked why was she so angry? I got a look that, if it could kill? I'd have had a hatchet embedded 2/3 down the center of my face. NO, I CANNOT DEAL WITH ANYONE WHO IS MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ILL ANYMORE. I have taken to screaming and yelling out of sheer frustration because no one and I mean NO ONE listens. Even the last two years with my own therapist did not do a damn bit of good. We were a weekly habit at that point, not patient and doctor. I won't go back, either. It simply hurts too much, and a world of hurt is one in which I am living.
But kill myself? No, that's too easy. It's also what so many people want. Former boyfriends, former bosses, oh, how the demons would dance and frolic! (again, you see? that's a nuanced statement, it's meant to be metaphor, not literal, but CCPs do not understand nuance.) The mentally ill mind can twist and "interpret" things in a way that is half-assed fucking backwards, not forwards. I can no longer deal with these people, even in small talk. They crush major parts of my very nuanced brain. (CCPs will not understand that last sentence at all. I'm not explaining.)
In good news, my Kindle awoke today. Just flicked on, like a vampire at sunset. (see, that was simile, not metaphor. I'm going to work in language arts lessons into CCPs.) And now, I'm going to inventory the whole thing. Just so I don't lose anything. Lots of samples, kindle singles and all those archived news pieces. ACK, as Bill the Cat would say! And Berkeley Breathed's coming back after 26 years. His last strip was August 6, 1989, a sad day indeed.
So, like Ronald Ann in her anxiety closet (another Breathed reference), I will leave you, gentle readers.
UPDATE: A quick runthrough of all I've posted led me to 2 wistful posts from 2006 and 2010--apparently, CCPs would read this "think of me when I'm not near you" flavor in my writing as "I'm Going to Kill Myself." How fucking stupid you are, CCP! N U A N C E. And a link to the actual definition. Cut and paste, CCP, if you know how to do that on your kompyoooter. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nuance
