Armageddon's NOT here?

Well, you wouldn't know it from last night's weather report. Snow, slime, and hell was supposed to erupt and we were all supposed to die in a vat of oversized salt purchased at Home Depot.



THESE WEATHER/NEWSCASTERS/METEOROLOGISTS CAN GO SUCK MY ASS.



Where else do you make tons of money, have a hair and makeup team, a teleprompter, a scriptwriter, a green room, and about 3 hours worth of work everyday to lie outrageously to the public? (No offense, Mr. President.)



How do I get that job? In fact how do I get any job that doesn't ride me like friggin' Seabiscuit for taking a few days off? Once again, the SLOB who will remain nameless has caused great problems. I have also heard from a very reliable source that he is pissing off almost every guy in the mailroom--and those guys don't mess around--and they are about to explode. My theory, confirmed this past weekend with one of the newer hires, is that the SLOB has no power at home. He is hen-pecked within an inch of his life, and frankly is damn lucky to have found a woman who'd have him as a spouse, so he tries to flex whatever flabby muscle he can afford at work, his brilliant domain. He reminds me of a security guard in the mall--essentially, he's a toy cop in a suit, instead of navy blue uniform. The only security guard I remember who had any fun was a guy named Joe Lopez, and he worked at Alexander's back in the fall of 1986. He was Dawn's ex-boyfriend, but we got along so well I kept him in my life even after she disappeared. He, unlike the SLOB, actually knew how to tweak situations to get humor and solid work out of people. He made more friends than enemies, and that was a wonder to see. He had a knack for talking to anyone, anytime, anywhere.



Example: a real snowstorm hit in January 1987. He took orange stickers and placed them on the bags of incoming people who had not bought anything wintery (gloves, hats, scarves.) He tipped off other employees in the store via walkie-talkie to descend on them. Some of them actually bought new things, because they were shocked to seemingly have Saks 5th Ave. service in Alexanders! Another time, he asked passersby how many guys had the name "Joe". That was funny. He was so likeable it actually was shocking when he caught a shoplifter. That's when he went "Commando" on their asses. Awesome to watch. I loved watching him, he was just so damn good. He later went to a cushy Wall Street job, and was there the day black Monday happened later that year. He was the only security guard to get a huge party and a truckload of gifts when he quit. They were very, very unhappy to see him go. I don't think I'll be able to say the same for the SLOB. Joe married a lovely girl named Caroline. He was also the DJ at my graduation party. The SLOB doesn't have a picture of his wife anywhere, he probably sees enough of her at home.



God, I dread going outside. But, I must. It's off to the gym for me.