Ash Salad

Well, it happened. One last nasty email broke me down this morning. I, drenched in tears, marched down to HR and put in my papers for a medical leave.This place will not kill me, and no, I will not waste my energy on confronting these creatures I work with. They are miserable and empty.

I, however, have a medical condition--three of 'em that are real, painful, and in the case of my arrythmia: potentially fatal--so I had my doctor fill out forms just so I could have it on record that this place is eating away at my health. I will be spending next week in bed and on monster doubling my efforts at getting the fuck out of here before I have a full-blown nervous breakdown. I get the distinct feeling they'd enjoy that. Narcissists LOVE to feel superior. My rep downstairs told me to stop sacrificing myself, since the work will get done somehow.

I fear I will join the ranks of my family: mom had 1 breakdown, dad had, what? three? Four? I watched him slip into madness, alcoholism, and a series of hospitalizations that ultimately, did not save him. His mind cracked, his body gave out. Mom was a bit stronger, took a few weeks off, and continued on. Eventually, she quit that job. That's what I want to do. How do I get someone to do that....the eternally endless rotten struggle.

And in all this, who comes to my rescue? Certainly not the white, rich, old men. One Canadian, one South African, and three special souls, all black. KJou says "These are YOUR people, stop frontin'." He's right. I know the struggle, the fear, the lack of money, and only hope to get me thru the day. It's good for breakfast, too short for lunch, and leaves an empty plate for dinner. I've worked for how long? When did I not work, never been paid well, and my rewards and thank you's are few and far between. I am not making any headway. I have no money, I don't own anything, my health sucks, and my personal life is in the toilet. I can't even stay up past 11 pm, so forget about dating. My soul seeks something more. Peace, a lack of pain and more money to pay my bills. That's what I need. That's success. That would cure my insomnia so when I get in bed and fall asleep, I could stay asleep. Not shaking when I get a bill in the mail or see something from my landlord. Who knows how much rent I'll pay?

I can't afford to go on disability, but I can't do this anymore. I just can't. It will destroy me. I am just too damn fragile right now. No security. Just a lot of meds, cat hair, and things I can't pay in full.

I went to college for this? OH, I ain't getting out of bed next week. Let's see if I even leave my apartment. I'm FED UP. With all of it.